Quitting Smoking

All I ever get is more knowledge about how it feels either quitting a drug or rememebering how much it sucks being on a drug. Awesome vicious circle. So once again this is day one quitting smoking. Feeling very positive. Also a bit spaced out on Jungle Juice but thats my special concoction. Im ready to be smoke free. I hate it so much. So in about three days when Dave gets back I should be feeling pretty good abobut myself. I don’t know what hapenened last night I just felt like it was the right time. I think give it a few weeks and Ill talcke Jungle juice and then start running again. Its the right time of year I suppose. Well here goes nothing. Its been 13 hours so far and I feel good. The tingling in the stomach of mild anxiety and about 5 times ive thought ill have a cigarette before remebering I have quit. These are the difficult times because if you can manage the pangs you’ll be fine.

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A year without beer

Been here. Done this before. Never succeeded.
365 days. No change to my life apart from no alcohol. I have 16 days left in the year to set myself up. Got to start positive haven’t I?
No new year new me bollocks. Just plain and simple, live life but don’t drink.  Seems more simple that way. I love sobriety and I hate hangovers. I also hate a hangover and schizophrenic indecision. I’m slightly overweight and generally miserable because I live between hangovers and working nasty shifts. If I’m ever going to walk out and enjoy life I need a clearer head.  I have to blog about it. I have to keep talking about it. If I forget what I’m doing I hear the negativity. If I forget what sobriety means I forget what a hangover means. I would say I have reasons for drinking  but they are not real. My reasons like many others are excuses. Excuses are not enough. The simple truth is I need to look outside the contraints of my reality and into the never ending pool of possibility. Somewhere it is possible for me to be happy and free from western structure. I’m going to meditate too. Like all the time.  Till I start hovering. I’m going to drink freshly squeezed vegetable juice.  I’m going to fill my body with everything good and stop poisoning it every weekend.
I turn 30 in 14 months. I ike a challenge. So it’s simple right? Every time I fancy a drink I have some water. Every time I struggle I’ll go to bed. Every time I can’t bear it I will write on here.
Challenge accepted.

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Practicing calm

Go to bed at 9pm toss and turn. Get up and watch a film that finishes at 1.00am. Woke on the alarm at 4.00am brush my teeth jump on my bike and cycle to work. Refreshing shower clean uniform and a cup of tea. I’m a couple of hours in to work today and I’ve had a nice long weekend off work.

Yesterday I went on gumtree which is the UK equivalent of Craigslist. I bought a wii fit because I mentioned before I want to take off a few pounds. I’ve been very careful with my sobriety from the start and like I say I’ve not gained anything but I’ve not lost either. I’ve eaten crap and to be honest I feel like it a lot of the time. Day 67 last time I quit was filled with sun life and energy and these passed few days I’ve feel tired lethargic and slightly ill.

Having suffered with a root canal problem in one of my teeth which should have been fixed today I have now found the appointment has been moved to the end of June. Good ol’ NHS. I’ve been on codiene based painkillers which to be fair make me feel great but also cause a huge amount of side effects. One being lethargy right through to the next day as well. When that’s amplified everyday the results are not energetic.
Suffice to say exercise has not been the top of my todo list. Instead I find myself in vicious circle, one not dissimilar to my recent alcohol problems. Instead of emotional stress I have physical stress and instead of alcohol I have codeine. So I have chosen to change to ibuprofen only when needed and am off to see the doctor ASAP.

You see one of my main aims from abstinence of alcohol is to look and feel better and right now I don’t. Working with the public means I watch many a wide assed mofo waddling to work with a pastry and a coffee. I don’t want to be that person, and to become one in today’s society seems not an option but mandatory. A major frustration in my life is watching the concentration of bullshit advertisements moving the same ill researched scientifically proven data proclaiming the next ‘recently discovered’ health food or diet technique. One that will quell the devil in your thunder thighs. The next best thing is always round the corner. Always the same. Major results from little or no input. I know life doesn’t work that way and I hate that advertisers are still able to ‘push that shit’ on the unsuspecting public. I’m no expert but I know that a yogurt won’t make me skinny. Maybe only eating that yogurt and nothing else will help but still….. Whatever!

My other large and quite sinister problem is my over reliance on an electric cigarette. From an onlookers point of view I feel that it must somehow be better for me than actual cigarettes but when I use it day in and day out I do notice that I still feel like a smoker. If my battery dies I panic and if I leave the house without it I have to go back home or buy cigarettes instead. The fact this never happens means I am focusing time and energy on making sure I always have supplies. On my last 100 days of sobriety I didn’t have to do this because I didn’t smoke or vape at all.

Now I’m guessing anybody reading this would say that clearly my weight and smoking addiction is causing me stress. Darn tooting right it is. The obvious answer being, eat healthy, exercise and quit smoking you damn fool. Well I know you’re right and I know I’m right but the whole reason I wrote this blog in the first place is because I knew that was the answer. My point being is every now and again I read a success story and I think yeah I can do that, it’s a piece of piss. I’ll do it tomorrow only three days later to be sitting smoking drinking and inhaling ice cream because without proper planning I’ve come to realise that being an aggressive dick doesn’t get you anywhere.

Which is why after careful structure I still have two weeks to plan my one week of ball breaking detoxification. I now have a wii fit a vegetable and fruit juicer, a racing bike, and a caravan and I’m hoping a nice bit of spring weather to kick the shiz out of all of my addictions.

I have a netflix subscription and a fistful of dollar I can use to obliterate the menace that maddens my soul. One week on Tuesday I will be ready to open a can of whoop ass on myself and come back home ready to start my happy sobriety. By then I’ll have two weeks before my 100 days is up but I’m pretty sure I’m going to hang an extension on it. After all why am I trying to make my life better if at the end of these 100 days I’m just going to make it worse again.

I feel a new pledge coming on.
Here’s to 67 days where I’m practising the art of staying calm and carrying on.

60 days

I have gone for 60 days now. I’ve had a few almost slip ups but generally done well. I message belle recently to tell her that I needed some time to remove myself from society so I could get back to the place I was once at. I need a few days without internet and news, alarm clocks and timers. A few days to become like a wild animal and wait for my body to tell me I’m tired or hungry. I need a break from structure and formality. So I’ve planned a week away in a sort of holiday home come caravan type thing. I have books and music down there. I may even take a guitar. I will take my bike and a juicer and make some good decisions for 7 days.
The main reason for the break is to rid my addiction to nicotine. When I’ve done that before it has been lovely. My sleeps have been deeper and my energy levels higher. I am qualified to say that most holidays have usually involve shed loads of alcohol. Endless sleeps and that lethargic non fixable drained persona that requires a holiday upon arriving back at work. I think it’s safe to say that seven days of freedom may give me that boost I really need.

The plan is to lose a few pounds and fix a few addictions. I can call it my own personal boot camp. My daily life is to easily distracted by freshly baked simple carbohydrates and super sized Americanos wafting through the air. I spend my working life going all over the midlands on the back of a train and if I don’t plan my life in advance I’m reduced to over priced under loved soggy sandwiches and crisps. All day everyday.

What annoys me now is no longer my ignorance but my procrastination. My knowledge is unbiased and scientific proven in a lot of cases. I basically know how to get where I want to be but I never seem to have the time or be in the right frame of mind to do it. That is why this week needs to exist for me. I know that Wolfie (beer) and his wife Mrs Wolfie (nicotine) will be barking outside the door all week but gladly I will have no one to answer too and nobody else to care about and those blissful few days are going to be put to good use. At the end of that week I will be close to my 100 days so I know I’m going to be in a good position to look at what comes next.

I will most likely blog about it during and after the week is up as I’m sure I won’t survive a whole week without any technology lol

Ben.

Day 50

Well here I am at the halfway point and thinking about it today it feels like it’s gone by really quick.
The last week has been quite stressful and I’ve been feeling like a drink to relax but haven’t. I’ve managed on my teas and coffees and various treats. I can feel the benefit ever time I get up for work early like today. My alarm was set for 4.40am and I feel fine now at 6.00am already working. Most of the time I know exactly how I’m feeling physically and emotionally which is something I used to question a lot when hungover or drunk. It’s good to be able to pinpoint problems making them easier to solve. It’s nice knowing I’m tired because it’s the end of the day for once.
It’s a clear crisp frozen morning here in the UK. The sky is blue and the sunrise is orange. I like the fact my job lets me see this.
I feel like I’ve said a lot already in emails to Belle and before when I did this sobriety thing last time. There’s not a lot more to add and I probably could have filled this post with more meaningful information. I guess it’s easier to say that I read a lot of other peoples blogs and I nod along because I know exactly how we all feel. We all seem to sit in the same sober boat and help each other by validating each other’s stories, I’m not alone. Lots of people have done it. I’m feeling some benefits and I’m going to do the next 50 days.

My new challenge is to focus on a bit of fitness. Specifically weightloss and muscle work out. No alcohol means it’s a great time to work on muscles as usually the beer is kicking testosterone’s ass. I’m going to give it a go anyways. I can change quite a lot in 50 days.

So to end the ramble, it you’re reading this for the first time. Try quitting beer it’s awesome

Ben

Random day 34 post

Had a few of those moments recently where I’ve decided against popping to see a friend because Wolfie barks at me and I feel inadequate being sobriety’s role model in a drinking situation. Im on the verge of feeling sorry for myself but still riding the crest of the ‘full of energy’ wave. I’m still doing well, don’t get me wrong but the few moments make me realise that a lot more has to change before I can fully accept a life of sobriety.
Alcohol hasn’t got in the way recently. I’ve replaced my happy treats and enjoyment with different food treats and being kind to myself. It is all so much better with out regret and guilt. Weirdly alcohol had never really felt like a treat or a pleasure. More a necessity or a tool for relaxation. I’m weirdly wired when sober and I always say how I feel like sometimes I need something to numb reality a bit, something to allow me to sink further or heavier into the sofa. Something that I can use when already relaxed to push that relaxation even further. People say yoga works, or maybe exercise? I find that exercise gives me a small euphoric high and a sense of achievement but at the end of a long hard day I want to feel that just sitting and relaxing is enough and I’m not quite there yet.

Other than that I am moving house next weekend. I have the keys and I’m about to book a van for the weekend. This is the time where sobriety is going to pay off. I can’t wait to be settled in the new place and so until then I shall wave goodbye.

I’m a third of the way through and that’s worth celebrating.

Post holiday happiness and minor minor blues.

Well I haven’t posted for a week or so. I’ve been off work for 9 days enjoying luxurious sun in Gran Canaria. I’ve had a few firsts.
1. Terrible flyer usually blotto but I had my first and second sober flight. (Except when I was a child I suppose)
2. My first sober holiday, completely, not even a drop. I did smell a few mojitos though.
3. My first (adult) sober birthday.

I’m on day 25 ish I think. I haven’t done a proper counter this time because numbers are just numbers I guess. It’s over three weeks and I’ve got to the point again where I feel comfortable around alcohol and people who persuade you to drink. My new response is ‘I don’t drink’. Not ‘I’ve stopped for a while’ or ‘I’m trying to be sober’. Those sort of responses seem to egg on Wolfie.
Very randomly at the airport we bumped into some friends that live in benidorm who we’re visiting London and then travelling to Gran Canaria so we had some friends to go out with whilst away. Nobody minded and so they shouldn’t, but it’s nice when the unexpected gives you a big hug instead of a slap!

The thing I’ve found is I can’t stay out all night drinking juice and cokes. I need some form of entertainment and it bothers me that what some pubs or clubs advertise at entertainment turns out to be lowest form of talent and hope that the punters will be inebriated.

We went to a Cabernet bar and there were the usual drag acts and singers which were actually hilarious so I was happy there for a few nights. The food was amazing and we found a nice Irish pub which did quizzes and karaoke. I’m happy there too.

The holiday was great and now I’m back at work I really feel rested and ready which is nice for once. The only blue I feel is the fact that I still would’ve drank a beer if I hadn’t made the commitment and I don’t know how I feel about that. I mean it’s great that I didn’t drink of course but it’s only because I said I wouldn’t. Otherwise it would’ve been the usual drink until you drop scenario.

Does it mean that I spend forever saying I won’t drink or will I feel the moment of revelation and never feel like drinking again. My social circle involves weekend drinking so unless I leave or make new friends that isn’t going to change and I love my friends so I wouldn’t ever choose to leave them.
Allen Carr always said with the attitude of ‘giving up’ I will always remain a drinker who doesn’t drink. If I choose the attitude that I don’t poison myself with alcohol anymore I become a non drinker because I know that alcohol does nothing for me so in a sense I won’t drink by simple reasoning.

Anyways I’m in a good place mentally and physically at the moment and even if I have to choose to be here I can handle that. I’m a quarter way through 100 days and in simple figures that’s better than 25 days of drinking. My niece gets married on day 100 so I will be at a wedding with 100 days of sobriety behind me. Ah well I love a challenge.

Post again soon
Ben