Anger

I’m halfway on the 100 day challenge. It’s a good sign. At 11pm tonight it will be 50 days since my last bit of alcohol. It was white wine I believe. I know that when reading someone else’s blog 50 days worth of writing can be completed in about an hour. It’s so much more of a journey. So much more I will talk about in later posts.

The main points are that I’m pleased and proud to have got this far. In all honesty I usually fail, not because I can’t succeed, but a mixture of weakening to peer pressure and having to bow down to social expectations. This time I have fought valiantly. I have blushed through the inappropriate comments, and held my tongue through the veil of lies spouted from pretentious wine connoisseurs. The red-wine-is-good-for-you brigade that are always pissed before 9pm. Everyone who tells you how good alcohol is, is usually in some way addicted to the stuff themselves. Everyone who tells you that you are less fun without alcohol are just upset because they’ve no idea how to be fun without alcohol themselves. Anyone who tells you you are worse off because you’ve stopped drinking needs to seriously step back and reassess their own life. I’ve met one already but thank goodness for the Internet’s anonymity.
In a brief sweeping generalisation my first 50 days can be categorised into these feelings. At the beginning it was nice and easy, fresh willpower, the feeling of newness and the focus of a challenge, that waned after about 3 or 4 weeks. Then my first 30 days was a breakthrough a sort of momentous mini occasion. Life became boringly plain after that. Right up to hitting 42 days and having to check because I’d half forgotten/stopped counting and checking every 5 minutes. Today is day 50 and I am pleased and proud like I said and I look forward to the second half but with a small amount of bittersweet disappointment. Perhaps it’s because I’m having a bad day, perhaps it’s not supposed to be fireworks and parades for every little achievement. I just half expected more. Anyway bring on the next section…..Anger?

Ever since quitting I seem to struggle with rage when things go wrong. It may be because I quit smoking and drinking at pretty much the same time but when I do get angry I really get mad and though its only for a short while I wish it didn’t feel so stomach churningly violent. Anyway it has spoiled my super duper day 50 so far and I am now at work till midnight. I think I may treat myself to something tasty later to cheer myself up. I just wondered if anyone else has had their emotions accelerate into overdrive? Any thoughts on the matter? Or have I just been exposed to too much radiation?….. To quote Bruce Banner “you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry”

I’m glad I’ve made it this far but I think day 51 is going to be even better. Day 100 is the real clincher and I know that the 23rd of September is going to be a day for smiling not only because I will have completed the challenge but it’ll be two days before my holiday abroad. Peace and love to you all. Ben

Minor crisis, butterflies and worries

From my diary.

‘Having a minor crisis today that I can’t quite get away from. I was really angry about something at work. Then my mum rang me up and wound me up about a silly thing I had written on Facebook. Then I burst in to tears for no reason. I calmed myself down and then it happened again about an hour later. I was a complete mess. I couldn’t focus and I began to get a little worried. I just want to note that right now I am feeling really tired and weak and emotionally unstable. I can’t concentrate on anything and I have no idea where any of this stems from……’

I go on to write about different relationships and problems I think might be happening.

By the end of my working day I am calm and I’m re-reading my diary and laughing at the sillyness. Its crazy but I think it might be a build up of a mental anguish thats be residing underneath my problems. It might be nothing. It might just be a bad day. Everything is ever so slightly more real when you don’t have a cloak of alcohol to hide behind. I am very aware of how I am feeling all the time recently. I have been incredibly angry over nothing but also incredibly in control over how I deal and react to certain situations. I feel like I’m learning a new power. It’s not illegal to cry and crying earlier got rid of a lot of badness in my mind. I feel great by the end of my working day and I’m ready to eat my tea go to bed and wake up feeling great. I am 9 days sober.