So I’ve had a few hit and miss days. I haven’t succumbed to intoxication but I’ve found myself fantasising about being drunk. Wow, that’s a strange feeling. I sat at a bar yesterday waiting to go in to a theatre to see The Lion King which I’ve been looking forward to for a while. It was a nice day, I had been off work and out for lunch with friends. We went to a bar I really like that do nice coffees for me and nice beer for Dave. It didn’t strike me out of the blue but I sort of blurted out that I really fancied a double Jack Daniels and coke with a slice of lime. Then the moment just sat there and really frustrated me. I haven’t had a drink for 55 days and I’d been doing fine but then suddenly I was imagining the taste and the coolness and the light headedness later on. It wasn’t über painful but it was the first time I’d been infatuated by poison. The rest of the evening was great the performance was great and the journey home was a breeze. I just took it personally as a mini failure to be strong which is of course complete nonsense. Perfectly natural and to be expected from an abstainer like me. After a good night sleep and a refreshing shower the world became clear again and I take another look from a different angle. I’ve done so well so far and I’m still doing so well so I thought I’d note a few things that have changed for the better since quitting.
1. The abundance of money was the first thing I noticed.
2. My skin isn’t as dry and doesn’t need moisturiser, though it is the summer so hard to tell.
3. My eyes are bright white and I can wear contact lenses for longer periods
4. My tiny amounts of psoriasis are more under control. They don’t flare like they used to, more they ebb a little.
5. I need less sleep? Or I can function well on less sleep? One of these, this is also to do with quitting smoking if I remember rightly
6. I have managed to stay off cigarettes which I feel is even more important than alcohol for me.
7. I feel ready for exercise on any day and have even seen some improvement in my endurance with cycling.
8. I have managed for the first time to step outside of my life and look in to see what needs changing. See what’s working and what’s causing stress. I’ve been able to talk more openly and take criticism with grace.
I am unsure what I will do after 100 days of sobriety. Different people have made comments and I know it is ultimately my decision but here’s the thing. I feel that right now is good and in 100 days it might be different. A little bit of Belle philosophy here but I’m living for these days and weeks and not the ones of the future or past. Who knows I might inhale 20 vodkas next weekend. I’m not planning too but you never know. Right now if you asked me what I’d do on day one hundred it would be to have a giant Jack Daniels and coke and then another one. If you ask me next week I might say lemonade. I’m grateful for all the good things I have found with sobriety and for that reason I want to stay this way, I don’t want to make any promises for the future but I signed up for 100 days so I’ll do it. What happens afterwards is anybody’s guess. Big smile and sigh! 😀
Learning not to suck at life 